In order to receive the things that you want in sex, you need to be clear about your desires, express them and be ready to allow your partner to respond.
Many of us struggle to ask for what we want in our lives. This includes our sexual desires.
But sitting with unmet needs can be frustrating and stops you fulfilling your potential.
You can learn to ask for what you want.
This is a path I am still navigating, and has been a major part of the transformation I have gained from my journey in Tantra.
My default position in the past was to want to please others, both in sex and in other parts of my life. I struggled to know what I wanted, as it seemed less important than the things that others have wanted.
Even when I have known what I wanted from sex, I have often felt unable to ask for it.
Sometimes, I have settled for the safety of routine, falling into patterns which have worked previously or which I am reasonably sure will receive a positive response.
At other times, I have suppressed my sexual desires, for fear that the other will think less of me or not understand.
These patterns can lead to irritation, resentment, disappointment or a sense of deprivation. This energy is not sexy to be around. So you are likely to get even less of what you want.
Knowing What You Want
You may have a very clear idea of what you want. A particular touch, or a shift in the balance of giving and receiving. To experience something new or to fulfil a fantasy. Or to experience again something you have enjoyed before.
If you have difficulty knowing what you want, then you need to take some time with yourself. To think, to imagine, to feel what your body is saying to you. To breathe to connect you’re your body (see my thoughts on breath over here).
Whatever it is you want, take some time to be clear about how you wish to describe it. You will only get what you want if you can communicate it clearly.
There may of course be many things that you want. Hurrah! Get clear on all of the exciting, enchanting juiciness you can imagine.
Asking For What You Want
Before you ask for what you want, imagine how it would feel to have an enthusiastic “yes” in response. And how it would be to receive a “no”.
Just because you have identified your desires clearly, it does not mean that your partner will wish to join you in that place.
If you ask for something and are not prepared to hear a “no” in response, then your want becomes more of a demand than a request. So be ready to hear a “no” or to invite an alternative suggestion.
Make sure that you have some time together to talk. Be clear why you want that space and that it is important to you. It might help to go for a walk together or to find a favourite place to visit.
State your wants simply, without either excuses about voicing your needs, or any suggestion that your partner should already know what you want or any accusation (“You never do this to me any more…”).
This is simply you discussing your desire. And letting your partner know that they are the person you would like to explore that desire with.
Be open to the response you receive. It might be a yes or a no or anything in between. If the response is unclear, it may be that your partner needs time to consider your request or to feel into whether they can respond with a yes.
Allow some negotiation. What if your partner says no to your particular request, but suggests something close to it? Are you willing to allow some variation in your desire?
Have you found other ways to express your desire? I would love to hear them.
Tantra Coach: Sex and Relationship Coaching for Individuals and Couples