In my relationships, I’ve learned that the quality of communication between myself and my beloved is crucial.
Sometimes those lessons have been more painful than I want to remember – the things I have got wrong and the things I have not challenged. But that pain taught me something about communication. It taught me the power of intimate communication.
Intimate communication builds deeper connection and allows both of you to feel honoured, respected and loved for who you are.
Including the bits that feel a little less loveable.
But intimate communication is a learned skill and for most of us, we’re still in kindergarden.
Said or heard any of these phrases recently?
Yes? It’s likely that you or the person you were talking to had dropped into a way of communication which was unproductive.
No? Congratulations. It sounds like you have found ways to make our communication constructive and purposeful. To connect through your words.
An ongoing pattern of communication that is unconscious or dismissive can leave you or your partner feeling unheard or steam-rolled.
Over a period of time, this can lead to a whole lot of heartache.
To have the relationship you really desire, learn to recognise unproductive communication patterns quickly. Focus on building patterns of connected and intimate communication in their place.
Whilst growing up, we were all influenced by different styles of communication. Then as adults, communication is reinforced through the work we do and the way in which friends and colleagues talk and listen.
Now, these communication patterns might be effective in work environments but used in an intimate relationship?
Let’s face it, do you really want to speak to your beloved the same way in which you speak to your boss?
Three Tools for Intimate Communication
How do you achieve a more consistent more intimate communication pattern?
- We take responsibility for our own patterns through self-monitoring.
- We agree to assist each other. Agree to give each other conscious loving feedback when you slip into an unproductive pattern.
- Consciously practice intimate communication.
- Clarity – providing relevant information in a straightforward manner.
- Being focused in the present – in the here and now. Often we can help with this if we pause and breathe before we speak.
- Active listening – not being defensive, not interrupting, being sensitive to the other person’s language and the emotional content of what they are saying.
- Asking questions, being genuinely curious to know more, seeking clarification.
- Talking from your own perspective – taking responsibility for your feelings and actions. Start sentences with “I”.
- Expressing what you want and need and not expecting the other to read your mind.
- Taking the view that life presents challenges. Agreeing to work on the problem together with each other in a supportive way.
- Negotiation and compromise – looking for the win-win solution.
- Being in a place of caring and acceptance for the other person and showing this in your language and concentration.
Intimate communication is lovingly constructive with the intention of taking the conversation forward and deepening your connection with each other.
Enjoy your next conversation with your lover or friend, in a wide range of contexts. Encourage intimate communication in sexual play, but don’t limit it to that context.
Observe how intimacy builds simply through communicating productively.
I don’t always get it right. I still have patterns of communication which put barriers up between me and my partner. But we talk about those. My habit of finishing her sentences is improving. My ability to listen and empathise is growing. My ability to express my truth is transformed.
Have a question about intimate communication? Or would you like to explore whether coaching might help you to connect more intimately?
Please Leave a comment or Get in Touch with me here.
Tantra Coach: Sex and Relationship Coaching for Individuals and Couples – London, Hertfordshire and Sheffield